Maguire protest

An estimated 2 million West Ham fans have marched through London to protest the purchase of Harry Maguire from Manchester UTD. The central defender is expected to join West Ham for a fee of £30 million.



“Water off a duck’s back,” David Moyes told Soccer on Sunday. “It’ll take more than 2 million protesters to change my mind. A million of them detoured past my house and 50 or 60 thousand took a shit on my lawn. You’re talking, what? 25 tonnes of bum chocolate? It’ll take the missus weeks to shift all that.”

“Harry’s an outstanding professional,” added the 60 year-old. “Maybe he lacks a yard of pace, and obviously he’s not been blessed with that ball-playing ability. And could he be more composed under pressure? I dare say he could. Is there room for improvement in his decision making? Definitely. What was the question again?”

“It’s Pamela,” he said, examining a newly-arrived WhatsApp message. “Apparently a few thousand stragglers are masturbating into our wee duck pond. Apparently Sir Quackselot looks like a fucking snowman.”

“Once again, it’s the huge majority of fans that ruin things for the small minority of decent supporters,” he added.