Martinez Happy

Everton have sensationally U-Turned on their sacking of Roberto Martinez. On-lookers were shocked to see the Spaniard lead a light session at the club’s Finch Farm training facility this morning.


Kenwright Thumbs Up“It was hasty,” chairman Bill Kenwright told Soccer on Sunday. “I had the hump after being spanked at Sunderland, so I swung the axe. But I still believe that Roberto is the right man to take Everton sideways. Maybe even forwards. I’d like to apologise again for sacking him. Especially by Snapchat. I should have had the courage to pick up the phone.”

“I’d also like to announce that we’ve offered Roberto a 7 year extension,” added the Evertonian. “So I can promise fans that they’ll be enjoying Roberto’s gung-ho football at Goodison until at least 2024.”

“Jesus,” he added. “Hearing myself say it out loud, that seems long. Anyway, it’s done now.”


Roberto MartinezMartinez insists that he bears no grudge.

“Water under the bridge,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Being sacked has only made me more determined to prove my philosophy. No more defensive drills or practising set-pieces. From now on, it’s attack-attack-attack and plenty of playing out from our own box. We have to be prepared to concede 3 to score 1.”

“God love the fans, but they can be a bit thick sometimes,” he added. “They need to understand that there is a right way and a wrong way to lose. So long as I am manager, I promise that Everton will always lose the right way.”


Leighton Baines“It’s great to have the gaffer back,” club stalwart Leighton Baines told Soccer on Sunday. “Everyone needs to get behind him now and…sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Is there an off-licence around here? Or a gun shop?”