Alisson Apologises After Henderson Drowns in Botched Baptism

Hendo and Allison

Alisson Becker has apologised after teammate Jordan Henderson drowned in a botched baptism earlier this afternoon. Henderson failed to surface after being dunked in his own jacuzzi during a born-again ceremony led by Becker.

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Alisson interview“It’s heartbreaking,” the Brazilian shot-stopper told Soccer on Sunday. “I would love to say Hendo’s with God now, but unfortunately he drowned before the ceremony finished. So he’s actually roasting in hell for all eternity with the likes of Hitler and Jimmy Saville.”

“But Bobby completed the ceremony,” added Alisson. “So these things even themselves out over a season.”

“It’s our job now to honour Hendo’s memory,” said Alisson. “Please God the divers recover his body and we can give him a Christian burial. It’s a 3 man jacuzzi and only 4 foot deep, so I think we’re all surprised that Hendo’s carcass hasn’t turned up. God works in mysterious ways, I guess.”