Alisson to Miss Season Opener With Concussion

Alisson

Liverpool’s record-breaking goalkeeper signing Alisson Becker is unlikely to debut for his new club until late September after suffering a head injury during his medical at Melwood. The Brazilian was touring the Merseysider’s training facilities when the accident occurred.

Karius

Karius Interview“It was just one of those things,” Loris Karius told Soccer on Sunday. “I was coming through the canteen door filming myself for Instagram, and I mustn’t have seen the boy Alisson coming the other way. The lad went down a little easy, to be fair, but there was definitely contact. I might be concussed again too, because I went home and fed cat food to my dog Howler.”

“I told the gaffer, I’m ready to step in for Alisson,” added the German. “But he just booted me up the hole and called me a künt. Out of politeness, I will not tell you what that word means in english.”

Klopp

Klopp“It means cunt,” Jürgen Klopp told Soccer on Sunday. “And I don’t regret using that word, or booting him up the hole. Can you believe this künt? Bad enough he cost us the Champions League, but now he’s taken out his own replacement. I swore I’d never hug Mignolet again — that guy smells like a mixture of Belgian chocolates and wet dog. But what choice do I have? We’re a Mignolet hamstring away from Danny Ings in goal, thanks to that Karius shitebag.”