All Scottish people are shite at football, a study of recent national team results has confirmed. The Scots opened their Euro qualification campaign with an embarrassing 3 – 0 loss to Kazakhstan before a nervy win over San Marino — the lowest ranked team in world football.
“The fans need to be realistic,” Scotland manager Alex McLeish told Soccer on Sunday. “I look around the squad and they’re all Scottish, so it’s difficult. You can put lipstick on a pig, tart it up with suspenders and what not, but it’ll still be shite at football. Of course, people shouldn’t be messing with pigs like that. That carry on crosses a line, for me. Where was I going with this?”
“I hear the booing,” said the former Birmingham boss. “Take Guardiola to Hampden Park and force him to manage Scotland at knifepoint, and even he’d struggle. Pep would want to play football, but the players are Scottish. You can put wings on a pig, but it doesn’t make it an eagle.”
“Let’s lay off the pigs,” added McLeish. “Grafting wings on to their hooves, playing God — that carry-on’s not for me.”