Mikel Arteta has called on his players and fans of Arsenal football club to panic following last night’s defeat to Man City. The league’s former pace setters have picked up only 1 point from the last possible 9.



“For sure, now is the time to panic,” Arteta told Soccer on Sunday. “If the fans are not panicking, then they are fools. This is a meltdown, and things will only get worse from this point. I told the boys at full-time, ‘You’ve fucked everything, you bunch of bottling shitebags’. I apologised later for my language, but the sentiment was accurate.”

“People talk about Arsenal’s game in hand,” said the 40 year-old. “What planet are they on? We will lose that game, probably by 3 or 4 goals. It’s all over, and now we must prepare to lose all our remaining games. Has anybody got an inhaler? I think I’m having a panic attack.”

“Can someone call an ambulance please?” wheezed Arteta, adopting a foetal position on the floor. “Tell them I cannot breathe and possibly may have shit myself.”