Ashley to Remain as Director of Football, Confirms Sheikh Khaled

Ashley and Sheikh

Mike Ashley will remain at St James Park as Director of Football when Sheikh Khaled bin Zayed Al Nahyan completes his purchase of Newcastle UTD in the coming weeks. The Londoner had been expected to leave, but was convinced to stay for a salary understood to be £10 million per-annum.

Costs

Newcastle Owner Mike Ashley“The Sheikh wants to cut costs,” Ashley told Soccer on Sunday. “So the Mike Ashley days of big spending are over at Newcastle. From now on, Rafa’s going to have to do more with much, much less. Obviously Almirón will have to go, but there’s a geezer called Almiróff available on a free once he gets out of Belmarsh. Probably worth a punt.”

“Khaled is one of those tight-fisted Sheikhs,” said the Londoner. “People in Newcastle probably assumed he’s an oil guy, but Sheikh Khaled made his money from a hoover repair franchise. In the UAE they call him Sheikh’n’Vac.”

“I can confirm that the cunt wouldn’t spend Christmas,” added Ashley. “Sheikh Khaled bin Zayed Al Nahyan is so stingy he makes Sheikh Khaled bin Mubarak Al Nahyan look like Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, to be fair.”