Aston Villa

Aston Villa are sensationally on the verge of being double relegated. Should the Midlands team finish in the bottom three this season, the FA have declared their intention to relegate Villa straight past The Championship, into the 1st division.

“Yes it’s unprecedented,” said FA chairman Greg Dyke. “But have you seen them play? Come on, that isn’t football. It isn’t football and we need to stamp it out, whatever it is.”

“Kids shouldn’t be seeing that,” added Mr Dyke.

Lawrenson

Match-of-the-day pundit Mark Lawrenson believes the FA are not going far enough.

“Why stop at two divisions?” said the former Liverpool defender. “Why not three or four? Maybe even boot them into the Conference? At times it’s like watching 11 psychotic penguins chasing a football. No coordination, no tactics. It’s not right.”

Lerner

Aston Villa's Randy LernerAston Villa are said to be furious with the proposed move, and have vowed to fight the FA “tooth and nail” through the courts should the double relegation happen.

“They’re making it up as they go along,” said club owner and chairman Randy Lerner. “Look, I’m not blind. We are absolute dirt. I watch us play and my throat fills with vomit. But you can’t have a made-up rule for one team just because they’re bombing around the pitch like a bunch of ostriches on LSD.”