Rafa Benitez has been given two coin-filled jars to strengthen his squad during the January transfer window. Controversial owner Mike Ashley has promised that any bits’n’bobs found down the back of his couch will also be made available to the Spaniard.
“It’s not all coppers,” Ashley told Soccer on Sunday. “There’s a few pound coins in there and I think a Casio wristwatch. So it’s quite a warchest. Maybe not enough to buy Mbappé, but there’s a French geezer called Mbappoo at Rochdale who might be available. Our scouting report says he’s a raging alcoholic and shite at football, but you get what you pay for.”
“There’s a kid at Crewe that they’re calling the Brazilian Neymar,” added the billionaire. “Which is strange, because the real Neymar is Brazilian. Horrible footballer, by all accounts and the police in Crewe suspect he might be a serial killer. But Rafa’s job is to improve the players we bring in and stop them killing people, if they’re up to any of that lark.”
Benitez insists that he will continue doing the best he can, with the resources available.
“My relationship with Mr Ashley is normal,” the former Liverpool manager told Soccer on Sunday. “He wouldn’t spend Christmas, that cunt. This much is clear. So we will fight with the squad we have and hope that we can add Mbappoo and others who have names similar to quality players. Maybe Harry Kone from Scunthorpe.”