Big Sam Appointed New Aston Villa Manager

Big Sam New Villa Manager

Sam Allardyce has been appointed manager of Aston Villa on a 5 year deal. The former England manager replaces Roberto Di Matteo following the Italian’s sacking after just 124 days in charge.

Allardyce admits that he has mixed feelings about the new challenge.

Comedown

Big Sam“I’d be lying if I said Villa wasn’t a huge comedown from the England gig,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “It’s a humiliation, if I’m honest. Having to take the Villa job is every manager’s worst nightmare. But I’ve hit my rock bottom now. The only way from Villa Park is up. I can’t sink any lower — that’s for sure.”

“Some would say I deserve this,” added the former West Ham manager. “I got loose-lipped over a few pints of vino and lost the only job I ever wanted. Managing Aston Villa might be God’s way of punishing me, but it’s a cruel sentence. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”

Grealish

Jack GrealishAccording to Jack Grealish, Big Sam wasted no time in addressing the Villa squad after training today.

“The gaffer levelled with us,” the midfielder told Soccer on Sunday. “He said he doesn’t want to be here any more than we do, and that we’re all here because we’ve done something wrong. But it’s our job now to claw ourselves out of this West Midlands shit hole. Micah Richards tried to start a ‘slow clap’, but it fizzled out.”

“Then the gaffer broke down crying and sat down on the ground,” added Grealish. “He just kept saying ‘Stupid Sam, Stupid Sam’ over and over, and smacking his forehead with his fist. Agbonlahorsy tried to put an arm around him, but the gaffer just screamed ‘DON’T TOUCH ME WITH THOSE FILTHY VILLA PAWS’.”

FutureAllardyce

Allardyce insists that his stay at Villa Park will be short.

“I just hope one day people forget I managed Villa,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I have grandkids. I don’t want them googling me when they’re older, seeing their grandad in the Villa dugout. That would break my heart.”