Allardyce

Sam Allardyce has laid out his roadmap for achieving survival with West Brom, currently second from bottom in the Premier League. The 66 year-old veteran replaced Slaven Bilic yesterday on an 18 month contract.

Fanny

Big Sam“We’ll be more direct,” Allardyce told Soccer on Sunday. “No disrespect to Slaven, but there’s been too much fannying about. Passing, and all that foreign nonsense. Well, read my lips — the passing stops now. We’ll stick a fat-arsed lummox up top, and launch balls at him for 90 minutes. If God didn’t want the ball played in the air, he wouldn’t have invented the sky. That’s just science.”

“Nutrition, formations,” said the former Everton boss. “Forget all that greasy foreign hocus pocus. It’ll be bacon butties before matches, a few sneaky cigarettes at halftime, eight to ten pints of bitter after the game, a kebab, and then face-plant through the front door when the missus hears you struggling with your key.”

“Scoops anyone?” he added. “I’m buying.”