Sam Allardyce has sensationally resigned before Leeds UTD play their final Premier League fixture against Spurs on Sunday. The Yorkshire club sit in 19th place and are odds-on for a return to The Championship next season.
“Now’t to do with me,” said Allardyce, when asked if his departure is likely to copperfasten Leeds’ relegation. “People keep saying I managed Leeds, but where’s the proof? You can fake anything these days with ChatVIP and all these Artificial Foreigner gizmos.”
“Now’t,” insisted the 68 year-old. “Maybe if my name was Don Largio Samuel Allardicio or what have you, I’d be celebrating winning the Premier League right now with a creamy pint of Sauvignon Blanc instead of listening to this rubbish.”
“My heart goes out to Leeds,” he said, uncorking a bottle of Blue Nun with his teeth and reaching for an official Leeds UTD merchandised pint glass. “But it’s now’t to do with me.”
“Now’t,” he added before flooring the pint in a single prolonged gulp and letting a thunderous belch that gradually ceded the acoustic space to a disturbingly soggy-sounding fart.