BREAKING: Kane Out of Tunisia Game with Illness

Harry Kane Gutted

Harry Kane has been ruled out of England’s World Cup opener against Tunisia after coming down with severe food poisoning. The striker is believed to have eaten a fried donkey testicle from a street vendor outside the team’s base near St Petersburg, and according to team doctor Rob Chakraverty is suffering from “tsunami-like diarrhoea”.


Southgate boo“Rob and the medical staff have been superb,” Gareth Southgate told Soccer on Sunday. “They did everything possible to get Harry out of the toilet and onto the pitch, but they couldn’t stem the flow. It’s hard to stop a mud slide when it has that kind of momentum. All we can do now is make Harry comfortable. We passed some pillows and blankets over the cubicle door, and he grunted something that we believe was either ‘thanks’, or ‘kill me’. We’re just trying to verify that.”

“We did warn the players about eating street testicles,” added the former Middlesbrough defender. “Particularly donkey balls. If they’re not cooked thoroughly? Well, you can see the result. My advice is never take risks when it comes to eating something that comes from a donkey’s scrotum. That’s the first rule of football, as far as I’m concerned.”


Alan Shearer has backed Kane to bounce back from his illness.

“Listen, we’ve all been there,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “You’re walking past one of those food stalls in a foreign country, you see a fried donkey ball or maybe a BBQ’d badger penis, and your mouth starts watering. As a professional, you’re advised to get back to your hotel room and masturbate, to take your mind off the hunger. It’s cost the lad, but I’m sure Harry will learn from this experience and come back stronger. And lighter, obviously.”