Gianluigi Buffon has denied deliberately crashing his car into the house of Champions League referee Michael Oliver earlier today. The goalkeeping legend was incensed at Oliver for awarding a penalty to Real Madrid during Wednesday’s quarter-final tie against Juventus, and received a red card in the melee that followed.
“It was just one of those things,” Buffon told Soccer on Sunday. “One minute I’m cruising around England in my Audi, and next thing the car is flying through the living room window of some trashcan-hearted weasel. Imagine my surprise when I saw Mr Oliver — whom I respect — sitting on the couch with his head only inches from my still-spinning front wheel? A little more rev, and the spineless little nerd could have been killed. That will haunt me, what might have been.”
“Thank God Mr Oliver was not harmed,” added the Italian veteran. “Although, who’s to say what might happen tomorrow, or the next day to the rat-faced little ferret? A handsome gentleman could approach under the cover of night, taser him, bundle him into a car boot, take him to an abandoned warehouse near Surrey, torture him for days with a pliers before beheading him, dismembering his corpse, and floating the remains down a canal in an old suitcase made from the finest Italian leather.”
“You just don’t know these days, do you?” said Buffon. “There’s some sick, passionate, justified bastards out there.”