ITV have announced that Jamie Carragher will present Saturday Night Takeaway with Declan Donnelly under the banner of ‘Carra & Dec’. The disgraced pundit replaces disgraced TV presenter Ant McPartlin, who was arrested for drink driving last weekend.
“ITV were looking for someone less disgraced than Ant,” the disgraced former Liverpool defender told Soccer on Sunday. “It’s well documented that I gob like a camel, but I’d never drink and drive. I draw the line at drenching the odd 14 year-old girl in greenish phlegm.”
“Forget Ant & Dec,” added Carragher. “It’s Carra & Dec now, and so long as that little ferret Dec keeps his mouth shut and does as he’s told, there’s no reason why this Saturday Night Takeaway pile of shite can’t tick along. But if that little Geordie ferret gets uppity, so help me I’ll smash his fucking head in.”
Dec admits that his new co-presenter brings a very different energy to the partnership.
“Carra’s intense,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I disagreed with him on something small during our first production meeting. He said nothing at the time, but later that day he pulled me into a janitor’s closet, stripped me naked and beat me unconscious with a cordless hoover.”
“Ant would drink a bottle of aftershave and piss himself before breakfast,” added Dec. “But he rarely beat me unconscious. And when he did, he’d at least roll me into the recovery position. It’s just a different chemistry with Carra, I suppose.”