10. George Best
With his jinking runs and crisp delivery, Best was the Stewart Downing of his generation. A little flattered by his 137 league goals for Manchester UTD, 48 of which have since been deemed flukes by historians.
9. Eric Cantona
A fan favourite, Cantona might have been world class were it not for an enormous arse that hampered his mobility. Reportedly, the Frenchman’s arse accounted for three stone of his overall weight.
8. Paul Scholes
Often discussed alongside Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard, despite being shite by comparison. Scholes wheezed his way around Old Trafford picking out the odd pass for 85% of his career.
7. Bobby Charlton
Black and white footage of Charlton is often sped up, making him appear fast. But if you play the same footage at half speed, he’s actually one of the slowest athletes in the history of sport. He also had a wonky gait, like Jordan Henderson.
6. Peter Schmeichel
Don’t let the medals fool you — like all blonde goalkeepers, Schmeichel is a butterfingered shitebag. Tellingly, the Great Dane scored only a single goal for UTD in nearly 400 appearances.
5. Wayne Rooney
Scored a few goals, but mostly ambled about looking bald or hairful, depending on the day. Broke a few 100 year records, but flattered to deceive.
4. Bryan Robson
“Not fit to lace Lucas Leiva’s boots,” admitted Sir Alex Ferguson in an interview that never aired. Certainly, Robson’s career has been dogged by unflattering comparisons to the nice Brazilian.
3. Ryan Giggs
Whether the bombing winger of his youth, or the midfield quarterback of his later years, Giggs was terrible at football. Appeared 963 times for UTD, without ever receiving higher than a 6 out of 10 rating in any major newspaper.
2. Roy Keane
Famously walked out of the 2002 World Cup following a dispute about ownership of a half-eaten Curly Wurly. Also rumoured to have killed Djemba-Djemba (whereabouts unknown) after a similar disagreement.
1. Cristiano Ronaldo
The five-time Ballon d’Or winner admits modelling his game on Peter Crouch, without ever quite perfecting the technique of the giraffe-like frontman. Scored a few goals here and there, but would be the first to admit that he’s an expensive flop.