Manchester City have pulled-off the sensational double signing of Romelu Lukaku and Álvaro Morata in twin deals worth a combined £135 million. Both strikers were heavily linked with Manchester UTD this summer, but Pep Guardiola was able to convince each man that their future lies at The Etihad.
“Both of them?” a clearly shocked José Mourinho said upon hearing the news. “Seriously? Lukaku and Morata?”
“Guardiola!!!” roared the former Chelsea manager, falling to his knees and shaking his clenched fists towards the heavens. “I’ll get you for this, you tight-trousered baked bean head! I’ll crush you like a lady doctor, you Catalan shitebag!”
“This is war,” added Mourinho. “I will become the majority shareholder of every leading skinny jeans manufacturer, and begin producing only baggy jeans. Let’s see how Guardiola feels when he’s dressed like one of the two shit guys in East 17 who never sang or did anything.”
Guardiola denies that the double signing is motivated by personal rivalry.
“No, that’s absurd,” the former Barcelona manager told Soccer on Sunday. “If I wanted to hurt Mr Mourinho, I would have signed his Fellaini thing. God knows what I would have done with it. Maybe used it to elbow the crows off the training pitch each morning? But no, I sign players to improve Manchester City. Not to ruin the day of one Portuguese shitebag.”
“He’s still got Rooney anyway,” said Guardiola. “If Wayne cuts back on the cigarettes and stops dunking Toblerones into his tea, there’s no reason why he couldn’t live for another 3 or 4 years. And if he’s alive — a huge ‘if’ — then it’s possible that he could score another one, maybe two goals for Manchester UTD.”
“Probably more like one,” added Guardiola.