Conte Takes Shit on Mourinho’s Car Bonnet

Conte defecating on Mourinho's car

Antonio Conte has been photographed taking a shit on the bonnet of a car belonging to bitter rival José Mourinho. The League Managers Association has criticised the Italian for the latest escalation in what has become a tit-for-tat feud.

Normal

ConteConte insists that he has not overstepped the mark.

“I took a shit on his car,” Conte told Soccer on Sunday. “This is normal. The media make these things bigger than they are. A plastic bag and some Turtle Wax, the car is like brand new. Do you think my bonnet has never been shit upon? By the time Diego Costa was finished with my blue BMW, it was basically a brown car. I needed a hammer and chisel to remove the crusty bits. This is football.”

The former Italian manager denied deliberately having a curry before carrying out the attack.

“No, the dinner in The Korma Kastle was arranged months in advance,” he said. “I am not small like that. Only a small man would deliberately have a curry before shitting on another manager’s bonnet. Someone of low character.”

Blame

MourinhoMourinho denies bringing the attack on himself by implying Conte is a ‘clown’ who illegally fixes matches.

“I never mentioned the Chelsea manager’s name,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I do not blame him for shitting on my car. You media Einsteins take my comments about clowns and match fixing, and you put it to Mr Conte as though I was speaking about him. I would never speak about a colleague that way. Just as I would never get a hair transplant, like some kind of baldy, slap-headed Grant Mitchell-looking shitebag. This, I can promise you.”