Jose

The FA have suspended post-match handshakes between players, coaches and officials in favour of french kissing, which carries less risk of contagion. José Mourinho and Nuno Espírito Santo were widely praised for sharing a passionate, 6 minute french kiss on Sunday.

Kiss

Mourinho“The kiss was professional,” Mourinho told Soccer on Sunday. “Tongue action, good. Breath, hint of Monster Munch. I was picking hair from Nuno’s beard out of my teeth all evening, but every little helps in the fight against Coronavirus.”

“We must be adults,” said the former UTD boss. “Erections are normal in these circumstances. Nuno had a raging horn, I had a raging horn — it’s just reflexes. These are erections of respect — not attraction.”

“Together, we will beat Coronavirus,” he added. “One erection at a time.”