Philippe Coutinho has signed a 5 year contract with La Liga pace setters Barcelona in a deal worth more than £155 million. The deal concludes an 8 month transfer saga that involved a formal transfer request and numerous failed bids.
“It was a difficult decision,” the Brazilian told Soccer on Sunday. “Only joking. Who wouldn’t want to play with Lionel Messi in 30 degree heat for triple salary? Hendo came to me and said, ‘Stay Phil. Stay and let’s build something.’ I looked him in the eye and said, ‘You’re half the reason I’m leaving, you club-footed oaf. It’s like someone put a pair of football boots on a blindfolded pregnant orangutan.'”
“I’ll miss the people of Liverpool,” added Coutinho. “They’re not attractive, but they have great inner beauty. At least I hope they do, for their sake. On the outside they are pasty and sweaty, but they have good hearts. Obviously not literally. Heart disease is a huge problem in Liverpool because of their diets.”
“I promise to come back when I’m old and shit,” said Coutinho. “So long as I’m offered spondoolicks up the wazoo. The fans have my word.”
Jürgen Klopp admits to being shocked by the suddenness of the move.
“I’m gutted, as you English say,” the German told Soccer on Sunday. “I really hope Van Dijk has 15 to 20 goals a season in him, because if not, you may as well torch Anfield for the insurance right now. Who else is going to pick up the slack? Henderson? Please, don’t make laugh. It’s like someone handed a pair of boots and a bag of crack cocaine to an asthmatic penguin on roller skates.”