Coutinho Signs for Manchester UTD in £90 Million Deal

Coutinho UTD

Philippe Coutinho has signed for Manchester UTD on a 5 year deal worth a reported £90 million. The Brazilian playmaker joined Barcelona from Liverpool little over a year ago, but failed to settle at the Camp Nou.

Wonderful

Solskjaer presser“It’s wonderful to have Phil,” Ole Gunnar Solskjaer told Soccer on Sunday.  “Ordinarily I’m against signing anybody who played for the red scum, but sometimes you have to hold your nose, do what’s best for the club, go home and scrub yourself raw in the shower with a Brillo Pad.”

“Phil understands the situation,” added the caretaker manager. “Obviously he won’t eat or socialise with the rest of the squad, but so long as keeps his Scouse beak shut, he’ll come to no physical harm.”

Happy

Coutinho InterviewCoutinho insists that he is delighted to be back in the Premier League.

“It’s great,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “In my wildest dreams, I never thought I’d play for the Manc scum. Watching Ole and the players walk and talk, I realise now that they are quite humanlike. It’s almost as though these Manc apes are people.”

“I’ve had some wonderful death threats from Liverpool fans,” added the Brazilian international. “A man from Toxteth sent me a letter explaining how he will remove my face with a scalpel and sew it to his arse. The police think it might have been Robbie Fowler. I’ve missed that famous Scouse wit and violence.”