Coutinho selfie

Philip Coutinho has enraged Liverpool fans by posting a selfie online dressed in a replica Barcelona jersey. The Catalan club had a £72 million bid rejected earlier this week, with Liverpool insisting that the Brazilian is not for sale.

Surprised

Klopp“He did what?” Jürgen Klopp told Soccer on Sunday. “In a Barca jersey? Why that little butter wouldn’t melt pox bottle. All the hugs I’ve given him? And this is how he repays me? Those are snuggles I could have been sending Firmino’s way, or Sturridge’s way. Ok, not Sturridge’s way. I can’t stand that shitebag. But I could have been snuggling Roberto to within an inch of his life.”

“We have a word for this in German,” added Klopp. “Phil is acting the ‘kunt’, which very roughly translates as ‘a disloyal person’. Yes, he’s really acting the ‘kunt’. Also, he’s being a cunt.”

Correct

Coutinho InterviewCoutinho insists that the selfie has been taken in the correct context.

“People are putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 4,” the Brazilian told Soccer on Sunday. “I’d love to go to Barcelona. The selfie is just my way of pressuring Liverpool to let me weasel out of my contract. It’s all very straightforward.”

“And the gaffer can shove his snuggles,” added Coutinho. “I’m sick of having bruised ribs after every game, and inhaling his Monster Munch breath. We have a word in Portuguese for the gaffer’s behaviour. He’s acting the ‘ballax’, which roughly translates to ‘behaving without grace, or manners.’ Yep, he’s acting the right ‘ballax’. Also, he’s being a cunt.”