Moyes wincing

David Moyes has urged Sunderland fans to recognise the uphill battle facing the club this season. The Black Cats have lost both their opening games, yet Moyes feels that unrealistic expectations still swirl around The Stadium of Light.

Panic

Moyes Shocked“Wake up and smell the relegation dogfight,” the Scot told Soccer on Sunday. “I hear the fans saying, it’s only the first couple of games, things will improve. What planet are they on? We have the best fans in the world, but there’s a fine line between loyalty and being a dozy shite. If I’m panicking, they should be panicking too. And believe me, I’m shitting big, brown bricks.”

“The chairman needs to dig deep and bankroll a couple of panic buys,” added the Scot. “Now’s not the time for scouting or investing in the future. We need to throw bundles of cash at some risky quick fixes. Adebayor, Balloteli — that kind of Hail Mary. It won’t work, but what else can I do? My nerves are shot. I’m a hair’s breadth from taking a toaster into the bath.”

O’Shea

John O'SheaCaptain John O’Shea admits that Sunderland are already in crisis.

“The gaffer’s made it pretty clear that we should be freaking out,” the Irish international told Soccer on Sunday. “He was ok after the City game. But when we lost to ‘Boro’, he came into the dressing room pale as a ghost. He just kept saying ‘we’re fucked, we’re fucked, we’re fucked’ over and over. Jermaine Defoe had to slap him three times to shut him up.”

“It was a proper meltdown,” added O’Shea. “As we were stripping off, he was taking the jerseys off the floor and putting them on — all 16 of them. Then he walked into the shower fully clothed, turned it on and lay down sucking his thumb, saying ‘mama‘ every now and then. I won’t lie, it took the wind out of our sails a bit.”

DoomMoyes

Moyes insists that there is no hope.

“We’re doomed,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “D – O – O – M – E – D. If you want a happy ending, go to a Thai massage parlour. ‘Cause all we’re selling at The Stadium of Light this season is a big steaming bowl of death.”