De Gea Died in 2018 and Replaced with Lookalike, Confirm UTD

De Gea and Brown

Manchester UTD confirmed this afternoon that David de Gea died in a tragic accident in 2018, and was quietly replaced by lookalike Frank Brown. The Old Trafford club were forced to make the confession following a series of goalkeeping howlers by Brown.

Open

Solskjaer presser“I’m glad it’s out in the open,” Ole Gunnar Solskjaer told Soccer on Sunday. “When David was gored and decapitated running the bulls in Toledo last year, the board decided it would be better to sweep his head under the carpet.”

“That’s just a metaphor,” added Solskjaer. “David’s head is actually stashed in the trophy cabinet, behind the Europa Cup. And it’s starting to stink a bit, to be fair. There’s only so much Lynx Africa you can spray into a cabinet.”

Credit

Despite a string of howlers, Solskjaer insists that Brown has performed well.

“Credit to Frank,” said the Norwegian. “He’s come in without a word of spanish and been different class. David’s wife and kids only found out today that he’s been dead for a year. Frank even had another child with Edurne, and nobody was any the wiser.”

“Is it immoral?” added Solskjaer. “Mr Gill is paid to make those decisions about whose deaths are or aren’t hushed up. As I say, I’m just here to call Sir Alex ‘The Gaffer’ and put smiles back on everyone’s faces while losing nearly every match.”