Declan Rice

Gareth Southgate will have to alter his plans after midfielder Declan Rice checked into The Priory rehab centre this afternoon. The 22 year-old quickly developed alcoholism after sampling his first ever beer at England’s Euros base.



“It was just one of those things,” Southgate told Soccer on Sunday. “Jack Grealish bought Declan his first pint as a joke. Eight minutes later he was an alcoholic, which I’m told is quick. Football isn’t important now — Declan needs to focus on getting well, because doctors say one more drink could kill him.”

“Alcohol affects everybody differently,” said the former Middlesbrough manager. “After his first sip, Declan took his clothes off and began masturbating in front of some elderly women playing Bridge in the hotel lobby. He then head-butted Jordan Henderson unconscious and took a shit in the lift. An enormous shit, I should clarify.”

“Our code of conduct is very clear on this behaviour,” he added. “Shitting in lifts is a red line issue. I’ve been very clear on that.”