Klopp Lidl

Jürgen Klopp has been spotted trawling the middle aisle of his local Lidl in vain hope of unearthing a midfielder. Liverpool have endured a sluggish start to the Premier League amidst numerous injuries.

Lidl

Klopp

“No,” Klopp told Soccer on Sunday, when asked if his Lidl trip bore fruit. “It was a long shot, to be honest. I did pick up a buttocks massager and a chainsaw, but these things do not help the team. Massaging Milly’s buttocks won’t make him less than 100 years old, so we must look for other solutions.”

“For sure,” said the German, when asked if it’s time to panic. “Not just me, but the fans. Everything is turning to shit, which is not cool. Big Virg seems to think he’s David fucking Attenborough, and just there to observe. And Trent doesn’t seem to have eyes in the front of his head, let alone the back.”

“Panic is the perfect time for a panic buy,” he said. “If we weren’t panicking, it would just be a buy. But we are panicking, so we are in the market for a panic buy. Not a buy.”

“This much is clear,” he added.