Eddie Howe

Eddie Howe will be armed with a £1 trillion war chest when Newcastle enter the January transfer window. The club currently sit 3 points adrift of safety and are heavily favoured to be relegated.


Eddie Howe

“Credit to the owners,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “A trillion smackeroos is not to be sniffed at. Probably the size of the budget reflects the shitness of the players we have. And that’s no disrespect to the boys — it’s not their fault they’re shit. As I say, it’s my job to keep them motivated until we can replace them with players who aren’t shit.”

“Of course,” said Howe, when asked if the enormous budget increases the pressure on himself. “You can maybe siphon off the odd billion here or there to have a thousandsome with 999 midget prostitutes on a tropical island. But at some point Prince bin Salman will want to see value for money on the pitch.”

“Does anyone know where I can hire hundreds of midget prostitutes?” he added. “There’s something I need to get out of my system.”