Emergency Flares have been spotted in the sky above Villa Park, as the club desperately signals for help. With hopes of survival dwindling, owner Randy Lerner has ordered his staff to begin evacuating.
“I’m transmitting SOS on this old Telegraph,” Receptionist Paul Moran told Soccer on Sunday. “We got a reply in Morse from someone claiming to be Harry Redknapp. He says he’ll help, but he’s looking for crazy money off the books and in unmarked bills. Does sound like Harry Redknapp, to be fair.”
“There’s been a bit of looting,” added Moran. “I saw Tim Sherwood climbing out a window with the club’s Nespresso machine. He must have been sleeping in the basement all this time.”
The evacuation has threatened on occasion to descend into a stampede. Lerner was forced to shoot and kill Gabby Agbonlahor this morning when the veteran striker panicked and made a charge for the exit. Agbonlahor had looked odds-on to escape but pulled up clutching his hamstring, after which Lerner calmly approached and shot him in the face.
“Women and children first,” the American billionaire told Soccer on Sunday. “Safety is paramount, but I’ll put a bullet in anybody who looks crooked at me.”
“Has anyone seen Charles N’Zogbia?” he added.
Villa superfan Chris de Burgh is attempting to keep staff calm by serenading them with his mega-hit Lady in Red.
“It’s the least I can do,” the multi-platinum selling star told Soccer on Sunday. “I’m prepared to go down with the ship, so I’ll keep singing Lady in Red until there’s nobody left.”
Reports of staff flinging themselves from the stadium roof have yet to be confirmed.