England have been crowned champions of the inaugural ‘Nations League’ after their dour goalless draw with Croatia in Rijeka. Gareth Southgate admits that he was confused when a UEFA official arrived at England’s training camp this afternoon brandishing a trophy.
“I was stunned,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Some guy in a blazer swung by in a taxi with what appeared to be a transexual prostitute on his lap. The taxi didn’t even stop — the man just rolled down the window, lobbed out the trophy and told the driver to step on it. We haven’t even won a game, so to be crowned champions? Well, it’s a tremendous honour.”
“No,” added Southgate, when asked if he understands the tournament rules. “Obviously the format has been designed by someone having a mental breakdown, or possibly high on crack. On the same day we were crowned champions, I received a letter informing us that we’ve been relegated. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.”
Harry Kane insists that he is proud to have captained his country to their first tournament success since 1966.
“It’s a dream come true,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “To be crowned champions without winning a game is a great credit to the lads. And for me personally, winning the Golden Clog without scoring a goal is a memory I’ll treasure.”
“Unfortunately, I received a letter this morning informing me that I’m now banned from all football for life,” added Kane. “Not sure what for, but my understanding is that the man who designed the tournament was choking and masturbating himself while he drew up the rules, so the format was always going to have some rough edges.”