Fekir Signs for Liverpool on 5 Year Deal

Fekir

Nabil Fekir has signed for Liverpool on a 5 year deal worth a reported £65 million. The French midfielder almost joined the Merseyside club last summer, and Jürgen Klopp is delighted to have finally gotten his man.

Delighted

Klopp“It’s wonderful,” the German told Soccer on Sunday. “Obviously we already have attackers up the wazoo, so Nabil won’t get within an ass’s roar of the first team, as you English say. But to see the faces on those Chelsea shitebags when they realise we bought him just so they couldn’t? These are the moments that make football special.”

“The spondoolicks were burning a hole in our pockets,” added Klopp. “It was either this, or spend it having Shaqiri stretched. A surgeon in North Korea said he could get Shaq to Peter Crouch’s height for £40 million. Shaq wasn’t keen because only 20% of patients survive the treatment, so we bought Fekir for no reason instead.”

Happy

FekirFekir himself insists that he is happy to finally secure his move to Anfield.

“I’m delighted to be here for no reason,” the former Lyon midfielder told Soccer on Sunday. “The gaffer hugged me and explained that there’s no place for me here and that this is all about dunking Liverpool’s big, hairy balls into Chelsea’s mouth. I asked if I could spend the next few years drinking and whoring around Mathew Street, and credit to the gaffer, he said he couldn’t give two shits what I do. It’s a dream come true.”