“The footballs didn’t seem regulation. The boys told me that they were almost too round. Whether that’s something the league should look at, you’ll have to ask them. All we want is consistency in the roundness of balls.”

Following Everton’s 5 – 0 loss to Spurs in March.

“I’ve warned the boys about dabbling in the occult. But Seamus Coleman has arrived an hour before kick-off puking green gunge, and telling everybody that their mothers suck cocks in hell. We’ve held the lad down and done an exorcism, but you can see from his performance that he still wasn’t right.”

Following Everton’s 2 – 0 loss to Southampton in February.


“The wind here is not something we prepared for. It was in our faces both halves. We were unsettled by it, if I’m honest. Maybe the league could be doing more to ensure consistency in the direction of wind. That’s one for them.”

Following Everton’s 3 – 1 loss to Newcastle in February.

“I don’t like to criticise referees. But a minority of Villa fans behind the goal have spent the second half calling Jordan Pickford a ‘T-Rex armed cunt’, if you’ll pardon my french. Call it bigotry, call it dinosaurism, call it whatever you want. The game should have been stopped.”

Following Everton’s 1 – 0 loss to Aston Villa in January.


“I’ve not got a magic wand. I looked my players in the eyes in the shower after the Palace game and said we have to stick together. I was on an enormous erection because of something Christine sent me a few moments earlier. Maybe that took from the message. It certainly didn’t help.”

Following Everton’s 2 – 1 loss to West Ham in April.