Pep Guardiola

A frazzled Pep Guardiola arrived at Manchester City’s training ground today wearing a dressing gown and one slipper. The club’s latest Champions League heartache came yesterday at the hands of 13 time winners Real Madrid.

Shit

“Everything is shit, no?” Guardiola told Soccer on Sunday. “This morning I asked God, ‘Do you hate me?’ Because why else would he give me such a squad of bottling shitebags? If I had a machine gun, I’d kill them all right now. Especially Jack and his hair.”

“Perhaps I am the problem,” said the 51 year-old. “Maybe I’m just a tanned Big Sam, no? The important thing now is to make my players believe that the same thing could happen in the league, because as I said before, they are bottling shitebags.”

“A bottler doesn’t change its spots,” he added. “They are similar to leopards, in that regard.”