Pep Guardiola has admitted to feeling increasingly bored by the lack of challengers in this season’s Premier League. City sit undefeated at the top of the table, having scored an incredible 35 goals in just 10 games.
“I’m bored shitless,” the former Barcelona manager told Soccer on Sunday. “At least in Spain there was Madrid. Who am I supposed to get excited about this season? UTD? That bus-parking shitebag Mourinho will ruin the derby for everyone.”
“Why does everyone else have to be so shit?” said Guardiola. “If we keep spanking everyone 17 nil I’m going to start doing whacky stuff. De Bruyne centre-half, Sterling in goal, playing in skinny jeans instead of shorts, starting games with 9 men. Whatever it takes.”
“Most games now I’m not even paying attention,” he added. “I’m usually daydreaming about making love in skinny jeans to a woman who is also wearing skinny jeans. We start naked, and slowly dress each other in skinny jeans. Mmmmm.”
Raheem Sterling admits that he is concerned about his manager’s state of mind.
“We haven’t trained in weeks,” the England international told Soccer on Sunday. “Last game, the gaffer didn’t even pick a team or a formation. He came into the dressing room, dumped the jerseys onto the floor and said ‘Do what you want’. And when we came in at halftime he wasn’t there. There was just a note on the whiteboard saying ‘Do what you want again’, and a sketched idea for a new style of skinny jeans.”
“He’s stopped answering any question that isn’t about skinny jeans,” added Sterling. “So the lads have to be clever when they’re looking for coaching. I said last week, ‘Excuse me gaffer. Say I’m playing wide in skinny jeans and we’re defending zonally, should I be on the back post?’ ‘What kind of skinny jeans?’ he answered. So even that doesn’t always work.”