Nunez vs Haaland

Erling Haaland has commented for the first time on his much-publicised rivalry with Liverpool striker Darwin Núñez. Both strikers arrived during the Summer transfer window to significant fanfare.



“Who?” Haaland told Soccer on Sunday. “Derek Núñez? Never heard of him. Stumpy little fella with a moustache who plays for Schalke? Look, I haven’t a Scooby-doo who you’re talking about mate.”

“Plays for Liverpool?” said the Norwegian. “No, it’s not ringing any bells. Maybe he’s shite, and that’s why I haven’t heard of him? Honestly, I’m terrible with names. Especially when someone is shite.”

“Speaking of shite players, can you believe Alfie Haaland is my supposed dad?” he added. “A paternity test is long overdue.”