Guardiola replacing Hart

Head & Shoulders have announced Pep Guardiola as their new spokesman and star of several forthcoming advertisements. The deal brings an end to a 4 year partnership between the shampoo giant and veteran goalkeeper Joe Hart.

CampaignHard Head and Shoulders

Hart insists that the announcement is the latest move in a campaign to force him out of Manchester City.

“This isn’t about shampoo,” the England shot stopper told Soccer on Sunday. “Guardiola went to Head & Shoulders and offered to work for free. The guy couldn’t care less about the global war on dandruff. I mean, he’s bald for Christ’s sake. Makes about as much sense as Roy Keane advertising fanny pads.”

“I’m telling you, Pep’s out to get me,” added Hart. “He had the kit man put ‘Butterfingers’ on the back of all my training jerseys instead of ‘Hart’. And every time I walk into the dressing room, he blares John Denver’s ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane‘ from his IPhone. It’s not right.”

Guardiola

Guardiola Press ConferenceGuardiola does not deny Hart’s accusations.

“Joe’s absolutely right,” the Spaniard told Soccer on Sunday. “I am out to get the little blonde shit. Head & Shoulders? I wouldn’t touch my head with that poison. I have a team of Filipino women who wax my scalp with dolphin semen twice a day. But if stealing Joe’s gig pushes him a step closer to the exit door, I’ll talk shite about dandruff on camera all day long.”

“It’s nothing personal,” added Guardiola. “I just need goalkeepers who can play a 10 yard pass. Give Joe the ball to feet and he’s as jittery as a nun at an orgy. I’ve seen newborn giraffes with better leg coordination.”

James Van Der BeekDawson

“Plus, I’d be lying if I said his hair doesn’t annoy me,” said Guardiola. “What does he ask for when he goes to the barbers? Can I have a James Van Der Beek please? Well mark my words, he’ll be up Dawson’s Creek without a paddle if he doesn’t take the hint and bugger off.”