Iceland team arrest

Iceland’s national team have been jailed following their arrival home from Euro 2016. Each player was given a life sentence by decree of His Highness, King Thor Kuntersson.

UEFA have called for the immediate release of all 23 players.


Iceland Supreme Ruler“Over my dead body,” King Kuntersson told Soccer on Sunday. “4 – 0 down after 20 minutes? They’re lucky I haven’t fed them to the reindeer. Or stripped them butt-naked and had them tossed into a boiling-hot geyser. That’s what I did to our badminton team when they skulked back from the Olympics with silver medals.”

“I sent the footballers to France by longship to win the tournament,” added Kuntersson. “And what did they achieve? They beat England. Wow, I’m so impressed. Wayne Rooney looked like he was ready to drop dead any minute of natural causes. Any 11 of my wives could have spanked those Anglo-saxon plonkers. ”


BjörkIceland’s most famous daughter believes the players have gotten away lightly.

“This is sexism,” Björk told Soccer on Sunday. “The Iceland women’s team got to the Euros final. They only lost on penos, but His Highness had them and their families catapulted into a volcano. Why the double standard?”

“What’s good for the reindeer-with-penis is good for the reindeer-with-vagina,” added the Grammy-winning pop star. “Scoop up Gunnarsson and those other losers, and start catapulting. Ideally before the volcano goes dormant again.”


HollandeFrench president François Hollande has offered to rescue the players.

“It’s our tournament, so I feel partly responsible,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Anyway, we’re talking Iceland here. A dozen goons with baseball bats should be able to seize control of the country. I’m actually looking forward to this. We haven’t colonised anyone in ages.”