Gianni Infantino has been criticised for a rambling press conference, during which he likened himself to a series of minorities. The FIFA president has been under pressure to address the human rights record of World Cup host nation Qatar.


“Today, I am albino transexual dwarf,” said Infantino to the assembled media. “I am woman with 8 missing toes and weird hair. I am 80s WWE intercontinental champion ‘The Honky Tonk Man’. I am bisexual pirate with parrot and hook for hand.”

“I am caucasian man with perfectly flat face after attack from shovel,” continued the 52 year-old. “I am old African American lady with pair of balls where vagina should be. I am homosexual unemployed plumber with gross outty bellybutton.”

“I am Michael Flatley, but asian,” said Infantino, in one of his stranger contributions. “I am partially-deaf chartered accountant with hands for feet, like orangutan. I am lollipop lady with knees that bend the wrong way and no car tax.”

“I am heterosexual man with detachable penis and telepathic powers,” added Infantino, appearing to run out of inspiration. “Fuck me, I’d murder a pint. Where was I? I am lady doctor in coma who happens to be coma specialist, or something.”