Aston Villa’s promotion claim has been plunged into crisis following FA confirmation that Jack Grealish failed a routine drug test after Monday’s play-off final. Traces of Hydrodoxtrenaline (street name ‘Flange’) were found in the 23 year-old’s urine.
“I’ve never touched Flange,” Grealish told Soccer on Sunday. “There was a party in Stechford last weekend and someone pulled out a few kilos of Flange. Everyone started snorting it and injecting it into their arses, but I just sipped Irn-Bru all night. If the test is positive, I can only assume that I’ve inhaled some second-hand Flange fumes.”
“The FA shouldn’t even be testing for Flange,” added the Villa captain. “It isn’t performance-enhancing. Mostly it just gives you an erection and makes you do ‘The Robot’.”
Derby manager Frank Lampard insists that Aston Villa must be punished.
“This is bigger than promotion,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Flange ruins lives. Most of the Villa players had erections in the tunnel on Monday, and one or two were doing ‘The Robot’. The smell of Flange from the Villa dressing room stung my eyes.”
“Is this what we want for our game?” added the former Chelsea midfielder. “Young players Flanged off their faces, roboting around the place on massive horns? That’s not what fans want to see, to be fair.”
If you or your family have been affected by Flange, call the Flange Hotline on 0890-Robot-Horn