Manchester UTD have sacked José Mourinho with immediate effect, bringing the curtain down on a turbulent two and a half years at the club. Mourinho had cut an increasingly frustrated figure in recent months, as he quarreled with his players and boardroom alike.
“I’m so happy,” Paul Pogba told Soccer on Sunday. “This is the best day of my life. God willing I will have a child one day, but today will still shit all over that day. I told Maria that there’s no point getting married now either, because nothing can top this. She grew upset and left to stay in her sister’s for the foreseeable future. As I said, these things happen in football.”
“I wish the gaffer well,” said the World Cup winning midfielder. “As a coach? Second to none. But as a human being? Square-headed, angry little sourpussed shitebag. But as I said, as a coach? Different class.”
“But as a man?” continued Pogba. “Grey haired little poxbag with a face like a flatulent baboon’s arse dunked in vinegar. But as a coach? Maximum respect.”
Mourinho has vowed to take some time before considering his next move.
“No rush,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I will spend some time with my family, visit my home in Lisbon, pay heroin addicts to beat Paul Pogba to death with cricket bats and chains, make sweet, sweet love to Ed Woodward’s wife in front of a roaring fireplace, our glistening, naked bodies writhing as one upon the sheepskin rug I gifted him for his wedding anniversary in May, deliver an emotional eulogy at Paul’s funeral, and then I am available for work.”
“This is normal,” added Mourinho.