Kanye West Completes Purchase of Newcastle UTD

Kanye West and Benitez

A consortium led by American rapper Kanye West has completed the purchase of Newcastle UTD for a reported £340 million. By outbidding the Dubai-based investment group fronted by Amanda Staveley, West now follows in the footsteps of musician Elton John in acquiring his own football club.

Concern

Alan Shearer has expressed concern about West’s knowledge of the club and Northeast.

“Man, fuck Alan Shearer,” West told Soccer on Sunday. “Baldy motherfucka don’t know shit. And y’all fans who want to diss me? All y’all can suck my dick, mu’fuckin Geordie-ass bitches. Y’all should be on your knees thankin’ me. From now on, it’s Kanye’s way, or you can ‘Howay‘ the lads down the mu’fuckin highway, bitch-ass black and white stripey motherfuckas.”

West confirms that St James Park will be immediately renamed St Kanye’s Crib, and The Milburn Stand will henceforth be known as The Kim Kardashian Stand.

Conversation

BenitezRafa Benitez insists that he is keeping an open mind about the new ownership.

“I had a good conversation with Mr West,” the former Liverpool manager told Soccer on Sunday. “He assured me that he is a genius and called me a Spanish motherfucker for no reason. I’m used to that. Mr Ashley called me similar most days, so there’s no change there.”

West denies that his purchase of Newcastle is influenced by his long-running feud with Taylor Swift, rumoured to be the mystery bidder for Northeast rival Sunderland.

“Man, fuck Taylor Swift,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Skinny-ass Barbie-lookin Mackem motherfucka.”