Keane and Messi

Roy Keane has launched a blistering attack on Argentina’s misfiring talisman Lionel Messi. The Irishman was speaking during ITV’s World Cup coverage, and suggested that teammates of the five-time world player of the year need to address the problem.


Keane“It’s not good enough,” said Keane during the broadcast. “The lad’s moping about like a midget under a high shelf of lesbian porno mags. If I was a senior player in that dressing room, I’d headbutt the little ferret. I lost count of the times I headbutted Diego Forlán unconscious in the UTD dressing room, but nowadays I’d probably be charged with a crime. It’s PC gone mad.”

“Listen, there’s no denying the boy Messi can play,” added the former UTD midfielder. “I had a chance to bring him to Sunderland, but he made one or two demands that rubbed me up the wrong way. Dry cleaning allowance, phone credit to ring Argentina. Bitty stuff really, but I thought, ‘nah, you’re not for me’, and I brought in Paul McShane instead.”

“That was probably a mistake,” admitted the Irishman. “I’ve never headbutted any player unconscious more than McShane, and in many ways Messi proved himself the better player. But Argentina need more from him. The PC brigade will probably be after me again for saying this, but if Messi’s a captain, then I’m a Ching Chong Chinaman.”