Roy Keane

Part II of Roy Keane’s Premier League season preview (click here for part I). 

MourinhoMan Utd

Unfortunately, my old club are still trying to clean up the mess left by Alex Ferguson. I think most fans now accept that replacing Big Ron with Ferguson in 1986 was a mistake, as was slinging me out onto the street instead of old Whiskey Nose in 2005. Mourinho could struggle to steady the ship.


Like a bad fart in a room with closed windows, Borough keep seeping back into the Premier League. Stewart Downing is their star player. I’ll say that again: Stewart Downing is their star player. That must be so depressing for the fans. As usual, expect Borough to lose a cup final and be relegated.


Every year the big boys come knocking and take Southampton’s best players, and yet they manage to rebuild. Some say that this is a sign of a well run club, but I disagree. I just think they’re jammy little pox bottles. Expect The Saints to turn shit again, like they used to be.


Not even Stoke can do it on a rainy night in Stoke. It truly is the most miserable place on earth. Sparky has done a great job, but morale must be plummeting as it dawns on players that they live in Stoke. Expect them to drop a few places this season.


It’s been all downhill for The Black Cats since yours truly walked away. A string of managers have tried to fill my boots, and each has embarrassed himself. As much as it pains me (which isn’t much, if I’m honest), this is the season Sunderland finally stop circling the bowl like a stubborn lump of poo, and go down.


The pride of Wales would be the shame of any other country. I can’t stand Swansea. No other team has me reaching for the remote control with such panic. I’d kill to see them go down, but unfortunately I think they’ll come 15th or 16th and stink up the pitch for another season.


If there was no such thing as Arsenal, Tottenham would be the biggest bottlers in English football. Last season was their one chance to prove they aren’t a joke club, and they failed. Why? Because they are a joke club. Expect a return to 6th(ish) place averageness.


Who cares? Reading their squad, I’ve never heard of any of them. They’ve a guy called Isaac Success up front. Success? He plays for Watford. Surely Isaac Shite would be more suitable? Watford are stonewallers for the drop.

West Brom

The Baggies of Shite. Tony Pulis’ style has been described as ‘agricultural’, which is a fancy way of saying that West Brom play toxic football. Brian Clough would have told them to throw away their medals, if they had any. They’ll grind their way to 45 points and ruin next season for everybody too.

West Ham's BillicWest Ham

60,000 fans can cram into West Ham’s new stadium, which will at least reduce the London crime rate for 90 minutes on a Saturday. Bilić is a 47 year old man who wears an earring. I’d throw the whole club out of the league for that alone, but I’m not in charge. They’ll finish in the top half, or the bottom. I don’t care. Can someone bring my car around front?