The BBC have announced that Kerry Katona will host tonight’s Match of the Day, with analysis from Judi Dench and Matt Hancock. The hastily assembled panel will stand in for suspended presenter Gary Lineker and several pundits who have declined to appear.


“Is football the one with the egg-shaped ball?” said Katona to Soccer on Sunday. “Never mind, I’ll wing it. I’ve told the BBC that if they chuck Match of the Day onto ‘Only Fans’, I’ll whip my tits out and split the profits 50/50. Dame Judi says she’ll do similar, but wants £50k up front.”

“Matt says he’ll get his cock out for twenty quid,” said the 42 year-old. “Nothing to do with Match of the Day — it’s just a service he’s been offering recently in laneways. He’s trying to drum up business, so I said I’d mention it.”

“Which one is Manchester UTD again?” she added. “Are they the ones who won the World Cup in Qatar Arabia?”