Klopp Calls for Panic and Rioting Following City Defeat

Klopp

Jürgen Klopp has called on Liverpool fans to panic and riot following the Merseysiders’ 2 – 1 defeat to title rivals Manchester City last night. A win would have created a 10 point gap between Liverpool and the champions, who instead kept the title race alive through Leroy Sané’s 72nd minute winner.

Panic

Klopp“It’s time to panic,” Klopp told Soccer on Sunday. “The guys were calm until I staggered into the dressing room clutching my chest, wheezing ‘We’re doomed, you bottling shitebags!’ That was all the encouragement Big Virg needed, and he immediately headbutted Lovren unconscious.”

“Most of the guys took that as their cue to start shrieking and fighting,” said Klopp. “Except Hendo — he was just rocking back’n’forth saying, ‘It’s all happening again, it’s all happening again’. Milly and Mo stripped Lovren naked and dumped him into a skip behind The Etihad and credit to Robbo, I think he might have taken a shit on him. Everybody was crying. This is normal.”

“Ordinarily I don’t condone property damage,” added the German. “But if fans aren’t overturning cars and looting local newsagents, then I think they have misunderstood the importance of last night’s game. My message to our wonderful fans is find the nearest plate glass window and put a wheelie bin through it. We’re barely winning the league, so we must set fire to things and be tasered by pigs a little. That’s football.”