Koeman Attacked by Vultures at Goodison

Koeman attacked by vultures

Ronald Koeman was attacked by a pair of Griffon Vultures at Goodison Park today. The Dutchman lost two fingers before a groundskeeper managed to shoo the birds with an uprooted corner flag.

Koeman denies that the vultures are a sign of his impending sack.

Nonsense

Koeman press conference“No, that’s nonsense,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “You have a few bad results and lose a couple of fingers in a vulture attack, and everybody assumes you’re a dead gaffer walking. But vulture attacks are ten a penny in Liverpool at this time of year. And who says they’re the same vultures that bit off Frank De Boer’s thumb last week? Suddenly everyone’s David bleedin Attenborough.”

“It’s the same with the hyenas on my garage roof,” added the former Southampton manager. “People say they’re drawn to the stench of death, but Old Spice smells like a rotting carcass, and I slather that horse piss on. I gargle it after brushing my teeth. Honestly, it’s not the football results.”

Redknapp

Redknapp in carHaving been recently sacked by Birmingham City, Harry Redknapp insists that he knows what Koeman is going through.

“My heart goes out to Ronnie,” the Londoner told Soccer on Sunday. “One minute the chairman is giving me the cold shoulder, and next thing a pack of coyotes are dragging me into their den by the ging-gang-goolies. Sandra had to beat them off with a golf club.”

“Of course, once they had the taste for goolies they came back in bigger numbers,” added Redknapp. “Losing a finger or two isn’t nice, but there’s plenty more where they came from. My advice to Ronnie is, protect the goolies. Because when they’re gone, they’re gone.”