Lampard balls

Frank Lampard has arranged testicle transplants for a number of players following Everton’s 4 – 0 loss to Crystal Palace. The Londoner has publicly questioned the courage of his faltering side.


“We need to act,” Lampard told Soccer on Sunday. “I haven’t got time to saunter from player to player, cupping their scrotums in my barehand to check whether there’s a good, hearty pair of bollox inside. HR have also asked me keep my hands to myself. So there’s your modern football. The game’s gone.”

“It’s time to reach for the scalpel,” said the 43 year-old. “We’ve asked a surgeon to slice open a few nut sacks, scrape out any weak little lady balls, and implant bull testicles we bought from a local abattoir.”

“I say surgeon,” added Lampard. “Johnser’s really more of a vet. He doesn’t have any qualifications or what you — I guess you could say he’s more of a painter and decorator by day, but he knows his way around a scalpel for whatever reason.”