Ronaldo and Ranieri

Newly crowned Premier League champions Leicester City have launched an audacious bid for Cristiano Ronaldo. Claudio Ranieri is eager to improve his squad for next season’s title defence, with the Portuguese superstar reportedly at the top of his shopping list.

Fax

ZidaneMadrid manager Zinedine Zidane confirms that a faxed offer was received this morning from the East Midlands club.

“It’s surprising,” the Frenchman told Soccer on Sunday. “I didn’t even think the fax machine was plugged in. The last time we had a faxed bid it was for Butragueño in the 90s, but all of a sudden the machine coughs up a Ronaldo bid. I nearly spat out my Coco Pops.”

“The bid says cash plus Huth,” he added. “What the hell is a Huth? It sounds like the noise an Owl makes. And who’s this Danny Drinkwater they’re saying they’ll throw in too? That can’t be a real name. We have a Rodrigo Gargylemouthwash in the academy, but Drinkwater? That has to be made up.”

Ronaldo

RonaldoRonaldo himself has welcomed the bid.

“To be wanted by the champions is flattering,” the galactico told Soccer on Sunday. “It’s no secret that I wish to finish my career freezing my ass off in England. I love Manchester UTD, but unfortunately they are a big steaming pile of donkey shite at the minute. Leicester are currently the only team befitting my talent and supernatural beauty.”

“I’ve dreamt of leading Leicester Town out at the Queen Power since I was a child,” he added. “And I’m a huge fan of the work Claudio Ranieri and the chairman Vichai Srivad….SrivaddhanSrivaddhanapra… the work Claudio and Vic are doing.”

Ranieri

Leicester's Claudio RanieriClaudio Ranieri insists that the signing of Ronaldo would be only the beginning.

“Forget Madrid’s Galacticos,” the Italian told Soccer on Sunday. “Now is the era of the Foxlacticos. By the time I’m finished, Leicester will have Ronaldos and Messis up the wazoo.”