Gary Lineker has apologised after eagle-eyed viewers spotted an enormous bulge in his trousers on Tuesday night. The BBC’s FA Cup broadcast was victim of a sustained ‘sex noise’ prank, during which Lineker appears to have developed an erection.


“I’m deeply sorry,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “On Tuesday, in response to malicious sex sounds, the shaft of my penis became engorged with blood. Call it a horn, a stiffy, a boner — the point is that this was a rogue action by my cock, which in that moment detached itself from any decision-making powers that I possess.”

“In particular, I wish to apologise to older viewers, and those with heart conditions,” said the 62 year-old, now presumed to be a sex addict. “Even though it lasted only 90 odd seconds, the sheer girth of my erection was likely frightening. The BBC guidelines on erections are clear, and I intend to fully comply with any investigation into my raging on-air horn.”

“Football, is no place for massive, throbbing boners,” he added solemnly.