Liverpool have sensationally withdrawn from the Premier League due to fixture congestion, the club confirmed today. The Merseysiders had been working to find solutions to a gruelling playing schedule, and eventually decided to concentrate on cup competitions.
“No, it’s not cool,” Jürgen Klopp told Soccer on Sunday. “Hendo was in floods of tears when I told him. I had to slap him six or seven times to calm him down — backhanders and forehanders. Eventually I had no choice but to close my fist and knock him out. He was annoying me by then, if I’m honest.”
“I know the fans are disappointed,” added the German. “It’s our job now to win the Champions League and hoover up all the other piddle and crap silverware too. Our biggest challenge will be rustiness — for sure we have too few games now. We might need 20 to 25 friendlies against Accrington Stanley just to keep the boys ticking over.”
“Possibly we didn’t think any of this through,” said Klopp. “If I could go back I’d probably find a different solution, but I am not Jean Claude Van Damme in Timecop. The spacetime continuum is what it is, and that’s it. We move on.”