Liverpool seats at Anfield

Liverpool Football Club have announced that the majority of Anfield seats will be reduced in width by up to 33%. The reductions should create space for an additional 10,000 seats, significantly increasing the capacity of the stadium.

The move comes in the wake of the club’s much publicised backdown over ticket prices.

Ayre

Ian Ayre“We feel that the new seat sizes have something for everyone,” Chief Executive Ian Ayre told Soccer on Sunday. “The new Delux seats will really hug and support both cheeks of the buttocks. The kind of dual-cheek support that the modern fan demands.”

“And for Category C matches against joke teams like Newcastle and Aston Villa, fans can lie across four seats butt naked, for all we care,” he added.

Unimpressed

RuddockFormer defender Neil Ruddock is unimpressed.

“I was at Anfield with John Barnes and Jan Molby for an all-you-can-eat buffet the other day, and we took the new seats for a test drive,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “The fire brigade had to use an angle grinder to cut me and Jan free after. Took them an hour.”

“Even with the grinder they couldn’t cut Barnsey loose,” he added. “They had to carry him out on the seat, to God knows where.”

Confident

Liverpool girdleAyre is confident that all teething problems can be overcome.

“Every season ticket will come with a free Victorian girdle,” the Liverpudlian told Soccer on Sunday. “And stewards will be armed with crowbars for helping fans in and out of seats.”

“And if a steward occasionally smashes a crowbar over the head of a rowdy bluenose?” he added. “Those are the kind of synergies we’re hoping for.”